Buildings that qualify as having been built by Master Masons of America are expertly appraised on a rigorous 10-point scale.

MMOA regrets that the office towers pictured on the left, located on the barren outskirts of a midsized Midwestern city, do not qualify as having been built by Master Masons of America. The builders were certainly awarded points for trying, but their efforts fall fatefully short of MMOA standards, largely due to the injudiciously humanist design of the buildings’ grounds.

Said grounds feature a .7-mile walking trail, which lunching professionals utilize routinely in a bungling attempt to clear their heads of corporate culture. Busy office workers are afforded the ability to invigorate their hearts and minds with fresh air; to witness the change of seasons firsthand rather than through the unopenable windows three cubes down from their winsome workspaces; to feel the sun on their skins as they saunter spiritedly with their work chums. Such regrettable affordings are deeply frowned upon by true Master Masons of America; therefore, MMOA has denied this ardent office park the coveted and prestigious MMOA award.

This lamentable business complex, which shall remain nameless so as to shield its builders from the humiliation of MMOA’s denial, regrettably goes so far as to feature a grove of pine trees that laughably strikes at least one libertine marketing professional as “sacred.” In all its efforts to honor sanctity in architecture, MMOA cannot conceive how an educated professional would arrive at such an erroneous view.

MMOA is furthermore perplexed by the peculiar surreality of the orientation of these buildings amidst lake and trees. The westernmost tower seems to emerge from the water like a component of a painting by Salvador Dali, or even an element of a dream interpreted by Carl Jung. In order to meet the stringent standards of MMOA, a building must firmly adhere to reality, and the one pictured on the right fails to do so in every sense.

It can be said, however, that as the buildings are airless and emit the delicate scents of decaying plastic, damp carpets, and cafeteria-style lunches, they would qualify for a MMOA award–were it not for their grounds that set the spirit free.

Indubitably, the buildings’ creators have appealed to MMOA to be reconsidered for the award. MMOA’s exacting exigencies, however, are uncompromising. Natural elements, no matter how relinquished they may be by a dutiful dusting of Roundup, are by no means a component of the criteria on which Master Masons of America are judged.