Facts About Downtown Cabbey’s Highclear Castle

Behold this venerable monument to the power of love.

IMG_2535

Built stone by stone by William the Industrious in 1101 as a tribute to his wife Elizabeth, the romantic Highclear Castle has stood the test of time and weathered many storms.

The faux widow’s walk with the windowless shutters proved to be prophetic, for in 1102, when William set sail to discover the Americas, Elizabeth spent 40 days and 40 nights chained to the balcony in desperation for her beloved to return home, unaware that he had perished in the great storm that overtook Popeye’s sailor boat with the fury of Poseidon.

The shutters have remained sealed shut for every century since, never allowing light to penetrate the spray-foam recesses of the upper bailey, rather like love never again penetrated Elizabeth’s heart.

The service entrance houses the tomb of Elizabeth and an effigy of William himself, as well as buckets of 14-piece chicken, two large sides, and 7 biscuits. The plastic-topped trash bin marks the centerpiece of a 40-acre complex, which includes a chapel and a guest house, and is set in formal gardens bounded on three sides by a single boxwood, a McDonald’s, an Aldi, and a BatteriesPlus.

On cloudy days Elizabeth’s ghost is often seen pacing the fake balcony’s classic elegance, adding appeal to the architectural style and possibly increasing the value of the property.

The castle was designated as a UNOSGO World Heritage Site in 1583 for being “the jewel of romantic art in America and a universally admired masterpiece of the world’s astounding architectural heritage.”

Posted in Art, Business establishments, Chain restaurants | Leave a comment

Ancient Temple Uncovered in Wisconsin

strip-mall-church

The spirit of the Lord inhabits a strip mall in Mukwonego, Wisconsin.

lakepoint-church

Tucked between Anita’s Dance Center and Sandoval Dental Care, the holy place is two shops down from GLO 10 Salon, Spa, and Tanning.

glo

October 8 marks the eighth anniversary of the ancient temple’s discovery.

sign

Experts were excavating the parking lot in 2009 when chief archeologist Norm Johnson’s brush grazed the edge of a steel column dating to 1627 BC.

brush-excavate-church

Immediately sensing the significance of his discovery, Johnson called forth his team and in 40 minutes they had brushed away over 3,000 years’ worth of debris to reveal the sacred centerpiece of this hallowed strip mall: Lakepoint Church, with its facade of wood beam accents and its impressive interior of drywall and acrylic carpeting.

strip-mall

No one knows how the Master Masons of America managed to build this great church of strip mall wonder, now lauded as the Eighth Wonder of the Ancient World.

It’s suspected that this temple was a shrine to the gods in pre-Christian times and was then consecrated in the name of the Lord under the orders of Emperor Constantine in 324 AD. Yet the key to unlocking the secrets of one of history’s greatest mysteries continues to elude Egyptologists and cryptologists alike.

However, those who have traveled to take in the awe-inspiring house of worship with their own eyes attest that the astounding feat in engineering is as masterful as the breathtaking sites in locales such as Egypt, Cyprus, Ethiopia, Cologne, Gobekli Tepi, and Delphi:

Delphi

Excavation continues, as the enigma of the church’s digital sign dating to over 1,500 years before Christ is still shrouded in mystery. The three sets of automatic doors are a pickle as well.

Images: Lakepoint Church and Delphi: Midge Wordsley; Brush: Rocco Lucia

Posted in Archeology, Art, Churches, Strip malls, Wisconsin | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Distinguished Contributor Greg Discovers Divinely Graced Church

MMOA is pleased to feature its first guest post. Here at MMOA, our editorial calendar is overflowing and the average wait time for a post to be posted is twelve months. However, due to the quality of this submission, its deft grasp of the philosophy of the Master Masons of America, and its masterful alignment with MMOA style, the staff at MMOA have opted to post this immediately. Please enjoy, and if you discover a building that pays tribute to America’s architectural heritage, don’t hesitate to contribute your own guest post!

There are some structures that are so awe-inspiring that they make you turn the car around to spend time in their presence.

The Lakeside Community Church in Algoma, WI is one such building. It was as if the car turned itself around, and I was merely the mortal with my foot on the gas pedal, the wheel definitely in God’s hands.

Upon entering the spacious parking lot, you are immediately overwhelmed by the church’s simplistic beauty. Constructed in 1848 by Scandinavian settlers, the building serves as an inviting prayer warehouse to all who make the pilgrimage. Proving to be ahead of their time, the builders of the Lakeside Community Church used aluminum siding as a building material, which was a first in modern construction. Its boxy, yet functional design was the inspiration when Leon Gapinski was starting the Family Dollar.

Constructed during what was known as the “Great Summer of Raising” in Algoma, this church was built during a three-day period in early September of 1848. Church archives were able to provide this news clipping from the local Algoma Daily News. Sven Grubberhans, who the weekend before had benefited from a barn raising on his property, said, “We raised nine barns, two sheds, and 28 outhouses that summer. Next to the outhouses, the church was our greatest achievement. We had places to do our business and a place to worship. We felt like we put Algoma on the map.”

Sadly, none of the outhouses remain.

Forgoing the classic stained glass that so dominates many of the churches of the day, the clear glass entrance is a reminder that the path to God is always clear and nothing should obstruct one’s connection to the Almighty. Knowing that how Jesus lived is more important than how he died, the designers decided to skip placing a cross atop their church. One will find, however, an antenna reaching for the heavens at the rear of the building. Broadcasts of church services are transmitted to a worldwide viewing audience of 120 million believers weekly.

The landscaping is immaculately kept with a clean-cut lawn and shrubbery lovingly planted around the church; this is a botanist’s paradise. Strolling the hallowed grounds took at least five minutes.

MMOA recognizes the builders of this sacred church. It’s settlers like these who built this country and the great buildings in it. Thanks to them we can enjoy fine architecture that rivals the world’s best. Well done Scandinavian settlers, well done.

DC Greg graduated with honors from Lowe’s Diploma Depot in 1622.

Distinguished Contributor Greg has been a keen student of fine architecture from a young age, having built his family’s home out of Lincoln Logs and cow dung at the age of six. He went on to study castle history and toilet repair in Europe at the prestigious Liechtenstein School of Architecture, and is currently a Distinguished Professor at the Home Depot in Franklin, WI, where he is Chair of the Tile Department. You can catch him every Saturday morning at 9:00 conducting “Tile a King Could Walk On” or as Home Depot refers to it, “How to Install Tile.” 

Posted in Art, Churches, Contemporary architecture, Distinguished Contributions, Entertainment, Strip malls, Wisconsin | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

Erections of Sublimity

MMOA is pleased to present its first reader-contributed feature.

This handsome horizontal silo exhibits the hallowed spirit that is deep-seated within all the great structures that are lovingly conceived and expertly executed by Master Masons of America.

The delivery-truck service doors through which the spirit of the divine enters like a mystic mist, the rapturous lack of windows, the trailer-style design of the assemblage, and the chain-link fencing that encircles the remarkably rousing rectangle — all ethereal elements intermingle to exhibit the minster’s Master Masons’ heartfelt alignment with the centuries-old principles of sacred geometry.

The flying buttresses that artfully intersect one another where the crypt meets the northern transept are one of the most impressive demonstrations of Master Masonry to be found in the Western hemisphere. The traditional use of blocks of stone, laboriously cut by hand and transported by teams of oxen, was not skimped upon in the erection of this enchanting structure.

Furthermore, the Southside Alliance Church boasts an impressive facet of notoriety not shared with other buildings yet featured on this blog:

The cross that tops this sanctuary is the very crux upon which our Lord and Savior perished selflessly for the sins of the populace.

A sundry pilgrimage of Jews, Christians, Muslims, and vegans congregated across the sands of amiable amnesty and travelled by foot in 1746 from Jerusalem to Sheboygan, Wisconsin in order to transport the sacred cross fresh from the site of Jesus’s recent demise to its rightful home in America’s Dairyland.

Therefore, in the words of Greg, MMOA’s first Distinguished Contributor, “the structure begs to be mentioned by MMOA,” for MMOA is the authority on the sacred and the divine, not to mention the masterly and the masonic.

Posted in Churches, Contemporary architecture, Distinguished Contributions | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

MMOA Denies Midwestern Office Towers the Coveted MMOA Award

Buildings that qualify as having been built by Master Masons of America are expertly appraised on a rigorous 10-point scale.

MMOA regrets that the office towers pictured on the left, located on the barren outskirts of a midsized Midwestern city, do not qualify as having been built by Master Masons of America. The builders were certainly awarded points for trying, but their efforts fall fatefully short of MMOA standards, largely due to the injudiciously humanist design of the buildings’ grounds.

Said grounds feature a .7-mile walking trail, which lunching professionals utilize routinely in a bungling attempt to clear their heads of corporate culture. Busy office workers are afforded the ability to invigorate their hearts and minds with fresh air; to witness the change of seasons firsthand rather than through the unopenable windows three cubes down from their winsome workspaces; to feel the sun on their skins as they saunter spiritedly with their work chums. Such regrettable affordings are deeply frowned upon by true Master Masons of America; therefore, MMOA has denied this ardent office park the coveted and prestigious MMOA award.

This lamentable business complex, which shall remain nameless so as to shield its builders from the humiliation of MMOA’s denial, regrettably goes so far as to feature a grove of pine trees that laughably strikes at least one libertine marketing professional as “sacred.” In all its efforts to honor sanctity in architecture, MMOA cannot conceive how an educated professional would arrive at such an erroneous view.

MMOA is furthermore perplexed by the peculiar surreality of the orientation of these buildings amidst lake and trees. The westernmost tower seems to emerge from the water like a component of a painting by Salvador Dali, or even an element of a dream interpreted by Carl Jung. In order to meet the stringent standards of MMOA, a building must firmly adhere to reality, and the one pictured on the right fails to do so in every sense.

It can be said, however, that as the buildings are airless and emit the delicate scents of decaying plastic, damp carpets, and cafeteria-style lunches, they would qualify for a MMOA award–were it not for their grounds that set the spirit free.

Indubitably, the buildings’ creators have appealed to MMOA to be reconsidered for the award. MMOA’s exacting exigencies, however, are uncompromising. Natural elements, no matter how relinquished they may be by a dutiful dusting of Roundup, are by no means a component of the criteria on which Master Masons of America are judged.

Posted in Business establishments, Contemporary architecture, Office parks, Public buildings | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

MMOA Commends Master Mason Bill Bonnaire With Posthumous MMOA Award

Master Mason Bill Bonnaire is the discerning virtuoso behind the breathtaking Best Buy pictured above.

Born in 1193, Bonnaire began building wonders such as Chartres Cathedral in 1194. The legendary vanguard was a prodigy who conceived his revolutionary approach to building in his infancy.

Responsible as well for the mysterious innovation of the Great Pyramid of Giza, Bonnaire revolutionized the design of the magnificent fake second story (it does not really exist!) of this renowned roadside shopping center in Delafield, WI.

MMOA recently commended Bonnaire at a gala in Racine. The maestro’s 164-year-old wife, a corpse named Greta, was honored to accept the award on his behalf.

Mrs. Bonnaire indicated that donations in her late husband’s honor to the Cousins/Toppers/Mobil convenience plaza set to break ground on the outskirts of Oconomowoc on Monday will go toward a legacy that will be treasured for generations to come — for as eyes are the windows to the soul, windows are the eyes of the soul, and the majestically myopic and beautifully blank and bereft windows of Bonnaire’s masterpiece evince that the soul of this excellent edifice is as richly endowed as a eunuch.

Thus MOMA urges you to bestow the honor of a MMOA award on builders as graced with talent as Bonnaire. Photograph contemporary atrocities, arrange to shoot them to MMOA, and MMOA will feature them on this blog — for it is vital that we commend our Master Masons for achieving excellence in Master Masonry.

Should we fail to honor our architectural luminaries, our lofty aesthetic ideals will die, and the great strip malls of America will cease to grace our landscape.

Posted in Awards, Contemporary architecture, Public buildings, Strip malls, Wisconsin | Tagged , | 1 Comment

Is Contemporary Architecture Fuxed?

Midge Wordsley’s entry for the term auto-fux was recently approved by the editors of the Urban Dictionary. The word, meaning “the act of arrogant programs such as Microsoft Word second-guessing the user and introducing misspellings and grammatical errors into otherwise tidy copy,” is exemplified in the phrase “I think that Word auto-fux my typing.”

Midge Wordsley frequently notes the auto-fux phenomenon in her MMOA posts, and strives to scrub them clean of unwholesome auto-fuxing.*

* Neither this post nor this blog as a whole is intended to suggest that contemporary building practices are fuxed, auto- or otherwise. There is no correlation between the fraudulent promenade in the Walgreens pictured above–with its hermetically sealed windows and its proficient waste of space that’s as honorable as the existence of the average politician–and the act of fuxation. MMOA disclaims any association–implied or otherwise–with the erroneous concept that contemporary architecture is fuxed.

Posted in Business establishments, Contemporary architecture, Lexicology, Strip malls | Tagged , | Leave a comment