Distinguished Contributor Greg Discovers Divinely Graced Church

MMOA is pleased to feature its first guest post. Here at MMOA, we have a brimming editorial calendar. The average wait time for a submission to be posted is eleven years. However, due to the exceptional quality of this submission, its deft grasp of the philosophy and practice of the Master Masons of America, and its masterful alignment with MMOA style, the editorial staff at MMOA have seen fit to move this post up the ranks of the calendar and post immediately. Please enjoy, and should you yourself discover a building that pays tribute to America’s deep architectural heritage, do not hesitate to submit your own guest post

There are some structures that are so awe-inspiring that they make you turn the car around to spend time in their presence. The Lakeside Community Church in Algoma, WI is one such building. It was as if the car turned itself around, and I was merely the mortal with my foot on the gas pedal, the wheel definitely in God’s hands.

Upon entering the spacious parking lot, you are immediately overwhelmed by the church’s simplistic beauty. Constructed in 1848 by Scandinavian settlers, the building serves as an inviting prayer warehouse to all who make the pilgrimage. Proving to be ahead of their time, the builders of the Lakeside Community Church used aluminum siding as a building material, which was a first in modern construction. Its boxy, yet functional design was the inspiration when Leon Gapinski was starting the Family Dollar.

Constructed during what was known as the “Great Summer of Raising” in Algoma, this church was built during a three-day period in early September of 1848. Church archives were able to provide this news clipping from the local Algoma Daily News. Sven Grubberhans, who the weekend before had benefited from a barn raising on his property, said, “We raised nine barns, two sheds, and 28 outhouses that summer. Next to the outhouses, the church was our greatest achievement. We had places to do our business and a place to worship. We felt like we put Algoma on the map.”

Sadly, none of the outhouses remain.

Forgoing the classic stained glass that so dominates many of the churches of the day, the clear glass entrance is a reminder that the path to God is always clear and nothing should obstruct one’s connection to the Almighty. Knowing that how Jesus lived is more important than how he died, the designers decided to skip placing a cross atop their church. One will find, however, an antenna reaching for the heavens at the rear of the building. Broadcasts of church services are transmitted to a worldwide viewing audience of 120 million believers weekly.

The landscaping is immaculately kept with a clean-cut lawn and shrubbery lovingly planted around the church; this is a botanist’s paradise. Strolling the hallowed grounds took at least five minutes.

MMOA recognizes the builders of this sacred church. It’s settlers like these who built this country and the great buildings in it. Thanks to them we can enjoy fine architecture that rivals the world’s best. Well done Scandinavian settlers, well done.

DC Greg graduated with honors from Lowe’s Diploma Depot in 1622.

Distinguished Contributor Greg has been a keen student of fine architecture from a young age, having built his family’s home out of Lincoln Logs and cow dung at the age of six. He went on to study castle history and toilet repair in Europe at the prestigious Liechtenstein School of Architecture, and is currently a Distinguished Professor at the Home Depot in Franklin, WI, where he is Chair of the Tile Department. You can catch him every Saturday morning at 9:00 conducting “Tile a King Could Walk On” or as Home Depot refers to it, “How to Install Tile.” 

Posted in Art, Churches, Contemporary architecture, Distinguished Contributions, Entertainment, Strip malls, Wisconsin | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Erections of Sublimity

MMOA is pleased to present its first reader-contributed feature.

This handsome horizontal silo exhibits the hallowed spirit that is deep-seated within all the great structures that are lovingly conceived and expertly executed by Master Masons of America. The delivery-truck service doors through which the spirit of the divine enters like a mystic mist, the rapturous lack of windows, the trailer-style design of the assemblage, and the chain-link fencing that encircles the remarkably rousing rectangle–all ethereal elements intermingle to exhibit the minster’s Master Masons’ heartfelt alignment with the centuries-old principles of sacred geometry.

The flying buttresses that artfully intersect one another where the crypt meets the northern transept are one of the most impressive demonstrations of Master Masonry to be found in the Western hemisphere. The traditional use of blocks of stone, laboriously cut by hand and transported by teams of brawny oxen, was not skimped upon in the erection of this magnificent structure.

Furthermore, the Southside Alliance Church boasts an impressive facet of notoriety not shared with other buildings yet featured on this blog: The cross that tops this sanctuary is the very crux upon which our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, perished selflessly for the sinful populace. A sundry pilgrimage of Jews, Christians, Muslims, and vegetarians congregated across the sands of amiable amnesty and travelled by foot in 1746 from Jerusalem to Sheboygan, Wisconsin in order to transport the sacred cross fresh from the site of Jesus’s recent death to its rightful home in America’s Dairyland. Therefore, in the words of Greg*, MMOA’s first Distinguished Contributor, “the structure begs to be mentioned by MMOA,” for MMOA is the authority on the sacred and the divine, not to mention the bold and the beautiful.

*Editor’s Note: MMOA guarantees every Distinguished Contributor a link to his or her affiliation of choice; however, DC Greg lives in the year 1372 and labors in a cold stone cell over parchment scrolls. The Master Masons of America and their authentic architectures transcend time, which is how MMOA was able to commune with DC Greg across the exhaustive expanse of temporal duration. Should DC Greg transport to the twenty-first century and establish online affiliations, MMOA will gladly grant him the highly warranted and hitherto unliquidated links that are his indubitable due.

Thanks be to DC Greg for illuminating lovers of sublime symmetry with the sacred knowledge of the existence of this blessed example of Master Masonry.

Posted in Churches, Contemporary architecture, Distinguished Contributions | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

MMOA Denies Midwestern Office Towers the Coveted MMOA Award

Buildings that qualify as having been built by Master Masons of America are expertly appraised on a rigorous 10-point scale.

MMOA regrets that the office towers pictured on the left, located on the barren outskirts of a midsized Midwestern city, do not qualify as having been built by Master Masons of America. The builders were certainly awarded points for trying, but their efforts fall fatefully short of MMOA standards, largely due to the injudiciously humanist design of the buildings’ grounds.

Said grounds feature a .7-mile walking trail, which lunching professionals utilize routinely in a bungling attempt to clear their heads of corporate culture. Busy office workers are afforded the ability to invigorate their hearts and minds with fresh air; to witness the change of seasons firsthand rather than through the unopenable windows three cubes down from their winsome workspaces; to feel the sun on their skins as they saunter spiritedly with their work chums. Such regrettable affordings are deeply frowned upon by true Master Masons of America; therefore, MMOA has denied this ardent office park the coveted and prestigious MMOA award.

This lamentable business complex, which shall remain nameless so as to shield its builders from the humiliation of MMOA’s denial, regrettably goes so far as to feature a grove of pine trees that laughably strikes at least one libertine marketing professional as “sacred.” In all its efforts to honor sanctity in architecture, MMOA cannot conceive how an educated professional would arrive at such an erroneous view.

MMOA is furthermore perplexed by the peculiar surreality of the orientation of these buildings amidst lake and trees. The westernmost tower seems to emerge from the water like a component of a painting by Salvador Dali, or even an element of a dream interpreted by Carl Jung. In order to meet the stringent standards of MMOA, a building must firmly adhere to reality, and the one pictured on the right fails to do so in every sense.

It can be said, however, that as the buildings are airless and emit the delicate scents of decaying plastic, damp carpets, and cafeteria-style lunches, they would qualify for a MMOA award–were it not for their grounds that set the spirit free.

Indubitably, the buildings’ creators have appealed to MMOA to be reconsidered for the award. MMOA’s exacting exigencies, however, are uncompromising. Natural elements, no matter how relinquished they may be by a dutiful dusting of Roundup, are by no means a component of the criteria on which Master Masons of America are judged.

Posted in Business establishments, Contemporary architecture, Office parks, Public buildings | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

MMOA Commends Master Mason Bill Bonnaire With Posthumous MMOA Award

Master Mason Bill Bonnaire is the discerning virtuoso behind the breathtaking Best Buy pictured above. Born in 1846, Bonnaire began building wonders such as Chartres Cathedral in 1847. The legendary vanguard was a prodigy who conceived his revolutionary approach to building in his infancy. Responsible as well for the mysterious innovation of the Great Pyramid of Giza, Bonnaire revolutionized the design of the magnificent fake second story (it does not really exist!) of this renowned roadside shopping center in Delafield, WI.

MMOA recently commended Bonnaire at a gala in Racine. The maestro’s 164-year-old wife, a corpse named Getta, was honored to accept the award on his behalf. Mrs. Bonnaire indicated that donations in her late husband’s honor to the Cousins/Toppers/Mobil convenience plaza set to break ground on the outskirts of Oconomowoc on Monday will go toward a legacy that will be treasured for generations to come, for as eyes are the windows to the soul, windows are the eyes of the soul, and the majestically myopic and beautifully blank and bereft windows of Bonnaire’s masterpiece evince that the soul of this excellent edifice is as richly endowed as a eunuch.

Thus MOMA urges you to bestow the honor of a MMOA award on builders as graced with talent as Bonnaire. Photograph contemporary atrocities, arrange to shoot them to MMOA, and MMOA will feature them on this blog–for it is vital that we commend our Master Masons for achieving excellence in Master Masonry. Should we fail to honor our architectural luminaries, our lofty aesthetic ideals will die, and the great strip malls of America will cease to grace our landscape.

Posted in Awards, Contemporary architecture, Public buildings, Strip malls, Wisconsin | Tagged , | 1 Comment

Is Contemporary Architecture Fuxed?

Midge Wordsley’s entry for the term auto-fux was recently approved by the editors of the Urban Dictionary. The word, meaning “the act of arrogant programs such as Microsoft Word second-guessing the user and introducing misspellings and grammatical errors into otherwise tidy copy,” is exemplified in the phrase “I think that Word auto-fux my typing.”

Midge Wordsley frequently notes the auto-fux phenomenon in her MMOA posts, and strives to scrub them clean of unwholesome auto-fuxing.*

* Neither this post nor this blog as a whole is intended to suggest that contemporary building practices are fuxed, auto- or otherwise. There is no correlation between the fraudulent promenade in the Walgreens pictured above–with its hermetically sealed windows and its proficient waste of space that’s as honorable as the existence of the average politician–and the act of fuxation. MMOA disclaims any association–implied or otherwise–with the erroneous concept that contemporary architecture is fuxed.

Posted in Business establishments, Contemporary architecture, Lexicology, Strip malls | Tagged , | 1 Comment

Sacred Spires

What sort of dignified establishment does this pseudo-classical building house, you ask? A bank? A municipal office? A funeral home?

The clue is in the fake cupola that has been snapped onto the commodious vinyl roof like a LEGO. It mimics a bell tower; it is topped with a spire that soars into the heavens to commune with the Lord. Yes, this roof-dominant building, with its plastic molding machine-stamped with symmetrical decorations and its hollow columns laboriously forged of urethane foam, is a church–rife with spirit, crafted with fervor.

The sacred ground on which this chantry stands has housed the relics of the blessed Virgin for over twelve thousand years. Its builders were therefore commanded to retain and protect its sacred crypt, and to orient its high altar and chapels above the hallowed realm.

Make a motorized pilgrimage to this sacred minster in Prescott, Arizona. Behold its refinement with your own eyes. Absent is the soul deep-seated within the great cathedrals of Europe; wanting is the ornate beauty inherent in the tiles of the sacred mosques of the Near East. There is no burst of light emanating from panes of stained glass that were forged by artisans who poured their souls into their craft. There is no quiet calm steeped into the chapels or the pillars or the pews. There is no scent of candles or incense; no perfume of stone or earth or must or dank, cool, undulating air; no fragrance of anything alive in this church. But there is the ambrosial stench of plastic, vinyl, and carpet chemicals–a fetor that plagues your nostrils, aggrieves your lungs, strips your eyes of moisture, and so bereaves your spirit that you feel a hollowing nausea in your gut and a wound in that part of your soul that craves nourishment from beautiful spaces.

So visit this numinous tabernacle. Climb the creaky wooden steps to the bell tower. Stand among the great sculptures and buttresses; drink in with a ravenous thirst the splendorous view of the car dealership across the street. Bring your soul to its knees with a reverence for the marble pillars, the immense vaults, and the brilliant murals that evince the boundless human capacity for creating moving works of art. Prostrate your senses and pray at the foot of the gods to the great Almighty, for the sacred spirit of the Master Masons of America is alive in this church.

 

Posted in AZ, Churches, Contemporary architecture, Prescott, Pseudo-classical architecture | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

The New Tombstone, Arizona

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERARanked fifth among fastest-growing small metro areas according to its Chamber of Commerce, Prescott, AZ has a particular propensity for producing abundant and eloquent examples of Master Masonry.

In the quest to quench the arid landscape’s thirst for grotesque eyesores, the posterity of establishments that term themselves home builders blooms profusely in Prescott like the lemon-yellow blossoms of the prickly pear.

Although the population, while growing, remains low, house-building abounds in the small town. A handful of transplants from beauteous Phoenix, as well as one or two expatriots of chilly climes, retreat to custom-built “dream-homes” such as those built by Master Masons in superlative subdivisions such as The Ranch at Prescott.

Pictured above is a premium plot for sale with an exceptional view of the Bradshaw Mountains. The 823 sign stands as an indication that once this plot sells, an achievement in Master Masonry will bedeck it.

The sign, interred in the earth at the head of a somber parcel, resembles a headstone for good reason:

It marks the death of the landscape.

But death is not only an end; it is also a beginning. The faux-adobe house destined to grace this plot, loaded with amenities such as a new beige carpet that outgasses toxic chemicals that will be soaked up by the lungs and skins of two retired, hopeful, and unsuspecting overspenders, will soon tower majestically in architectural splendor.

As 2012 is the new 2011, Prescott is the new Tombstone, home to its own kind of beautiful massacre.

In the year to come, six hundred thousand grave sites will be graced by resplendent purple dream-homes built by Master Masons with the finest and most distinguished skills and taste.

Posted in AZ, Cities, Contemporary architecture, Houses, Neighborhoods, Prescott, Subdivisions | Tagged , , | 2 Comments